Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
Avery Lender (COM '23)

Avery Lender (COM '23) Avery is a freshman from NYC studying Film and TV. She likes long walks to the Baystate dining hall.

As freshmen struggle with making friends, adjusting to a new city, a college workload, and more, one very unexpected problem has arisen: 18 year olds, after quarantining with their families for the past 6 months, are horny. Said President Brown in an interview, “Didn’t see that one coming.” 

In order to offset this new situation, Boston University has decided to take a radical approach. They have taken 5k away from the Jenga building budget, and they are making sex dolls for freshman to rent. These dolls will be available at the front desk, and you must sign your name, BU ID number, and body count. To keep it discreet, the dolls will be disguised as your choice of an Allston traffic cone or a yellow move in bin. 

The staff working at Fuck It, Don’t Suck It wanted to assure us that their dolls are sanitary, and the moms at home should not worry about their sons getting COVID. Says one of the workers, “By using sex dolls during this time, you decrease risk of catching Corona and a wide variety of STDS. Talk about two birds with one stone!” 

Unfortunately, because of high demand, BU has been forced to improvise. One freshman, who’s decided to stay anonymous, told us about his experience. 

“I opened the box, expecting to see, well you know what, but instead I saw an old Rhett costume. But you get what you get and you don’t get upset.”

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