WARREN TOWERS—Sources confirmed that university student and admitted “dude who’s into a lot of dodgy sex stuff” Craig Swarbrick (SED ’17) has learned that the Warren Free Expression Board is not as free as it might seem.

“Feet, S&M, GILFs, whatever man. I dig it all,” said Swarbrick about his sexual tendencies. “Cankles, dwarves, it’s all good. There’s nothing illegal about it.  But BU’s trying to shut me down.”

Sources indicate that Swarbrick’s struggles with the Free Expression Board began early in September, when he posted a flyer advertising a club for students with sexual fetishes. Swarbrick noted, “We were all gonna meet at the Esplanade after dark and, just, you know, see what happened.” The next morning, Swarbrick found the flyer removed.

“I thought it was a mistake, so I put up like twelve more. Three hours later, they’re all gone. What’s the deal? There’s nothing illegal about it.”

And so began a constant battle between Swarbrick and Warren Towers Resident Director, Kristen Schweng. The more flyers he put up, the quicker she removed them.

“The issue wasn’t Mr. Swarbrick advertising a club,“ said Schweng. “The issue was his relentless posting of illicit flyers exulting the merits of ‘glory holes’ and ‘santorum felching,’ and offering public viewings of obscene Internet videos in his dorm room.”

“Watching a video of an adult male partaking in intercourse with a horse is not illegal,” said Swarbrick. “Sure, it’s illegal to do, but not to watch. Look it up. Anyway, I can express myself however I want! This is America, isn’t it?”

Schweng has indicated that if Swarbrick’s inappropriate posting persists, the Free Expression Board will likely be discontinued.  But Swarbrick has shown no desire to stop.  As a result, Warren residents are growing wary of the situation.

Ari Greenberg (CAS ’17) says, “I don’t want them to shut the board down.  It’s not fair for the rest of us who want the opportunity to post our own flyers about important things that we really care about. For instance, my flyers show clear and indisputable evidence that Barack Obama is a reptilian.”

At press time, Swarbrick was picking up a jar of vaseline from City Convenience.

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