Photoshopped by Ahmin Thornhill (COM '20)
Sam Vatalaro (COM '22)

Sam is originally from Saratoga Springs, NY majoring in Film & TV, and, well, you know what they say.

ALLSTON—A small disturbance was reported Friday night at the Alpha Sigma Ligma fraternity chapter meeting when pledge Ryan Rohens (CGS ’22) mispronounced a series of Greek letters and accidentally possessed himself with a demon from the furthest rings of hell.

Reciting the Greek alphabet forwards and backwards is standard procedure for pledges of Alpha Sigma Ligma. Sources say Rohens, however, stuttered and stopped while attempting to recite it backwards and crumpled to the floor of the ASL basement.

“Man was lost in the sauce,” Alpha Sigma Ligma president James Snodram (CAS ‘19) confirmed. “Gushing smoke from his ears and nose, speaking in tongues, levitating upside down. Typical freshman shit.”

Though Rohens’ condition worsened as the meeting pushed forward, there was reportedly no attempt made to get him help.

“I got kind of worried when Ryan swallowed a beer can whole instead of shotgunning it,” fellow pledge Shaun Chavez (COM ‘22) said. “But when I told the others I thought we might need to take him to the emergency room or priest, he told me not to do anything.”

“He was fine,” Snodram countered. “I mean, he did projectile vomit straight at the ceiling at one point, which is normal pledge behavior. Except the puke was made up entirely of live locusts. Still, he could take care of himself. He was fine.”

As the night went on, Alpha Sigma Ligma brothers reported it became harder to deny something was wrong with Rohens. The meeting was called off early due to dark tendrils of smoke seeping underneath the doors and windows towards Rohens, which impaired visibility for the beer pong tournament.

“Pretty disappointing he couldn’t just rally,” Snodram said. “I thought he was man enough to power through it, but I was wrong. It’s his own fault. Some guys just can’t hold their demonic possessions.”

At press time, Rohens is reportedly recovering, but then again, anyone who looks upon him in his physical form at reporting time blacks out and cannot recall anything. Alpha Sigma Ligma brothers assure The Bunion that Rohens will “exorcise and rally.”

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