ALLSTON—Jessica Langford (CGS ‘20, CAS ‘22) announced in a press conference over a toilet in Rich Hall Sunday morning that she is never drinking again. Sources report that this was her sixth sobriety announcement of the semester.
Langford had attended a frat party with two friends in Allston the night of November 17. She arrived at 11:00PM and by midnight, her Blood Alcohol Content had already climbed to its peak at .07. Her roommate had taken her home, and the next morning, she woke up with a severe hangover.
“I am never drinking again,” said Langford while embracing the toilet bowl.
Multiple sources stated that Langford had paraded around the party exclaiming her inebriation, proclaiming, “hehehe, I’m so wasted,” and “who wants to dance?” Eyewitnesses report that she had even flirted with some of the members of the fraternity.
“She thought I was giving her ‘the eye’ but I’m pretty sure we just made slight eye contact,” said Matt Raymer (CAS ‘19).
Langford had reportedly drunk a total of one and a half Angry Orchards in the hour that she was at the party.
“Couldn’t hang I guess,” explained Chris Stanton (CAS ‘?), rush chairman of βΣΤ, in an interview with The Bunion.
Langford’s other declarations of sobriety occurred on September 8, October 6, October 21, and twice on Halloweekend.
Langford has a history of breaking declarations. In this semester alone, she has proclaimed that she will…
- Delete her tinder (broken 8 times)
- Never eat at the Warren dining hall again (broken 15 times)
- Give that nice guy who lives on her floor a chance (broken 3 times)
- Go to discussion this week (broken every week)
At press time, The Bunion received news that Langford was drinking a miniature Mike’s Hard Lemonade in West Dining Hall. Stay tuned for the story about the seventh time next week.