COMMONWEALTH AVENUE—This morning, a freshman biology student in the College of Arts and Sciences somehow managed to fail out of Boston University shortly after only attending his first lecture, reports confirmed.

The student, who has asked to remain anonymous, claims that after simply sitting in a CAS classroom for 50 minutes and simply signing his name on a copy on the syllabus, that he was quickly contacted by the Registrar’s Office an hour later and informed that he was somehow already in violation of the university’s academic standards,

“I’m really confused and upset,” said the student. “Literally, all I did was write my name. What did I do wrong? Was I supposed to write my middle name? Was that a test? I haven’t even gotten any grades yet, what’s going on?”

“Shit,” the student added, before taking out his phone to call his parents, who were more confused than anything.

“No, mom, all I did was sign the syllabus. Yes, I’m serious.”

New Boston University students often find themselves overwhelmed with the fast-paced nature of course curricula. Many find themselves unable to keep up with their coursework or keep their GPA at a high enough level, but the problem of grade deflation has escalated in recent years. Statistics anticipate that 5% or more of this year’s freshman class may be susceptible to failing out of Boston University before they actually hand in any assignments.

The student says he was even more confused after learning that his roommate, a freshman advertising major in COM, had already graduated early.

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