WEST DINING—Freshman Roger Finnegan (COM ’19) was forced to reevaluate his know-all demeanor today when the salad he was attempting to mix with two bowls pushed together exploded all over a table of peers in an event that he is referring to as Saladgate 2015.
“As soon as he started shaking the bowls we knew this couldn’t end well. We tried to warn him,” said Lily Barder (CFA ’19), a witness of Saladgate, “but he just wouldn’t listen. The more we doubted him the more he insisted. At one point he starting calling people over to watch yelling things like, ‘Hey look at me, I’m making salad!’ and, ‘I’m getting sa-laid tonight!’ and at one point he got up on the table and yelled, ‘I am salad God! Worship me, peasants!’” added Barder.
“I’m not sure what went wrong, I have a very specific method that literally always works,” said Finnegan. “The other day someone asked me to tell them the difference between light Italian and creamy Italian! I was becoming the Salad Guy! Its all gone, my whole two weeks of hard work is gone!”
Finnegan is not alone. Hundreds of head-strong freshman across campus have been involved in Dining Hall Incidents (DHIs) already this year forever outing them as the amateurs that they are.
“What can I say, I like my taters toasty,” said Andy Mop (CGS ’19) deflecting from the total embarrassment his DHI brought him when he attempted to send a plate of mashed potatoes through the conveyer-belt style toaster in West Dining. “It’s really not my fault. You know how hard it is to be responsible for your own food?”
“Its like, really hard,” added Mop.
At press time, Finnegan was seen reaching across the table slowly peeling soggy lettuce leaves off of his friend’s face