Despite intense pressure from his friends, family, and his own dignity, Gary Carson (CAS ’19), has decided to drop chemistry.

As he left class, for the first and last time, a bright light emitting from heaven struck him.

“Go now and spread the word son, science, especially chemistry, has an oversaturation of students, which, creates only disappointment for those who fail”, said God, who was busy creating natural disasters and influencing the outcome of American Football games.

Since the incident, Gary has been seen frolicking around campus, complimenting strangers, and kissing babies.

In addition to finding God, Gary has relocated to the suburbs, where he, his wife, and his 2.5 children comfortably travel around in their Lexus.

“Now that he isn’t in Chemistry 101, the world is his oyster!,” said Caroline Allen (SED’19), Carson’s wife. “We have time for our band, movie dates, and taking care of our kids!”

At press time, Gary was looking forward to retirement even though he hasn’t started a full time job yet.

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