SHELTON—After seven months of observing everyday college life, acquiring new friends, and seeing the way the world works outside of his small hometown, freshman Steven Ricci (COM ’16) still just doesn’t get it. “My friends from home are still my best friends in the world,” said Ricci as he bent down to tie the beat-up, colorful sneakers that people thought were funny and cool when he first wore them in eighth grade. “I mean, college is fun, but I would rather be sitting in my buddy Ryan’s basement.”

Ricci’s BU friends have expressed concern over how few social cues the freshman has picked up on. “I think Steven is great and all, but he still thinks he needs to name-drop the bands he listens to in order to impress us,” reported Alex Laud (ENG ’15). “It’s like, dude, you’re in college, we’ve all heard of most of the bands that exist. Nobody’s impressed.”

Reports show that, although he is almost done with the first fourth of his college education, Ricci still likes going to parties where he can get as drunk as possible so that he can stand around near girls in hopes that they will want to hook up with him.

“Last Friday, he made us go to this party so he could drunkenly hover around this girl Olivia,” reports Laud. “He still doesn’t realize that sometimes friends just want to hang out and watch TV.”

When asked about the incident, Ricci nodded and laughed, saying “Oh yeah, Olivia totally wants me.  We’re probably going to make out real soon.”

Ricci’s professors have also expressed concern over Ricci’s immaturity, pointing to the fact that all of his in-class answers appear to be calculated attempts to impress female classmates.

“A couple of weeks ago we were discussing World War II, and Steven tried to make a joke about it,” said history Professor Jane Rollins. “It just seems like he should realize by now that dumb jokes in class don’t appeal to anyone outside of tenth grade.”

At press time, every girl at Boston University agreed that they would not consider dating Ricci until he at least bought some new clothes.

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