It’s getting colder, the leaves have started to turn colors, and there are a suspicious amount of man children wearing suits around campus. Nope, it’s not Libra season, it’s just the start of frat rush season. This has prompted a variety of hazing rituals designed to humiliate clueless freshmen who all look like they’re named Chad.
In an attempt to be more subtle about their abuse of freshmen, the Sigma Ligma Dogma fraternity ordered their pledges to use wheelie backpacks for a week. During this time, pledges were forbidden to use elevators so that everyone around the pledges heard the thump-thump-thump of the wheels hitting each stair.
The fraternity also mandated that the backpacks had to be bright pink, polka dotted, and have light up wheels. Chad Johnson (ENG ‘24) said that this ritual was grueling for the pledges. “Those wheels have broken some good men. My pledge class had it easy with our hazing compared to this torture. All we had to do was NOT carry a backpack. I don’t even own one!”
Chad Johnson (CAS’25), a pledge of Shady Smelly Dudes was honored to carry out this challenge. “This fraternity is just such a great group of guys, they would never do anything to harm me. Plus I still got like seven snaps from sorority girls with the dumb backpack so my pickup game is still fire.”
The brothers of Sleepy Sneezy Dopey were really proud they had come up with this idea. “I think its the best one we’ve come up with since we had the pledges paint over the transgender flag on the greek rock,” said President Chad Johnson (QST’23).
An insider source has revealed that for frat Scooby Dooby Doo’s final hazing challenge, pledges will be forced to hold a conversation with a woman without saying “Yo, so like do you want to see my camera roll?”