SIGMA SIGMA SIGMA HOUSE—It seems that after four long years, James Balo (CGS ‘16) of the SSS fraternity has finally proven once and for all that he is, in fact, the shit.

But as trickster genies have taught us over the ages, you have to be careful for what you wish for. “Since freshman year, I’ve been consistently pounding babes, nerds and brews,” Balo tells the Bunion. “I had one goal: To prove that I was ‘the shit.’

And then, three weeks ago it happened. After winning five consecutive games of beer pong, Archie Mittz (CAS ‘19) pat Balo on the back, and said it: “Man, Balo, you are the shit.” A wide smile spread across Balo’s face, but only for a  moment.

Balo recounts, “I thought it would the best day of my life. All those years of being fucking awesome finally paying off, but all I could think was, ‘what now?’  Since the fateful day, Balo has begun to search for a little more meaning in life.

He first switched his focus to academia, earning a Masters in Russian Literature. But this did not fulfill him, and he reports that, even after earning his degree, he still felt,  “as useless as Oblomov in the Ivan Goncharov masterpiece.”

Balo then turned to love, and asked the girl of his dreams out on a date.  Balo recalls through tears, “We travelled the world together, we had a son, but when I looked into her eyes…I felt absolutely nothing.”

The sorrowful frat brother finally attempted to find meaning within the words of God. He went to temples, churches and mosques. He even became fluent in Arabic to truly understand the Quaran, and spent months with the 14th Dalai Lama, but it just didn’t do it for him.

One purpose drove him, and it had been fulfilled.

Balo was last seen climbing in the Tien Shan mountains. When asked what he was doing, he responded simply, “thinking about life.”

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