Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)
Shannon Damiano (COM '22)

Shannon Damiano is a sophomore from New Jersey studying Media Science. If her roommate is reading this, she knows you ate her hummus.

STUDENT HEALTH SERVICES — Chad Alessi’s (QST ‘22) job was terminated last Tuesday after wreaking havoc at Student Health Services. Alessi barred entry to students who couldn’t name three of his Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity brothers.

“We did appreciate that Chad made the appointment process difficult, which is our goal,” said Alessi’s supervisor Steven Johnstone, “but things just got too chaotic, even for us.”

Johnstone said that Alessi engaged in other disruptive activities at the Student Health Center, such as replacing the water coolers with bowls of jungle juice, and poking holes in the free condoms available to students in the lobby.

In addition to demanding that patients name brothers for entry, he also required male students to bring women with them to their appointments to uphold “the ratio.”

“If I knew I had to bring girls to be seen, I would have,” Dylan Kushnir (CAS ‘20) said. Kushnir says his left eye has been crusted shut and leaking “goo” for days due to untreated pink eye.

Another student barred from entry, Cassidy Clark (COM ‘22), says that Alessi was the only reason she was at Student Health Center in the first place. “It was horrible enough that I hooked up with him, but the fact that I got mono afterwards made everything exponentially worse.”

Clark says Alessi suggested a bandaid to help her mononucleosis, before turning her away for “being a bitch about it”.

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