ALLSTON—Sources confirm that the fourth roommate of 71 Ashford Street, Travis Long (CAS ’17), is not even using bathroom time to poop anymore, he just wants some alone time.

“My roommates are so loud,” said Long, “the only time I can get some peace and quiet around here is when I pretend like I have to go to the bathroom, so I just make a grotesque comment about how I need to go number two, and then I know I have a solid 20 minutes before people start wondering where I am.”

Travis’ housemates are suspicious of his sudden long trips to the bathroom as of recent, and what started out as concern has now grown into confusion.

“It’s weird, he must just go in there to think or something,” said Jeremy Rhodes (ENG ’17), the apartment’s second roommate. “We figured it out when he went in there one day without his phone, and nobody goes to poop without their phone.”

Travis isn’t the only one pretending to go to the bathroom in order to get away from his roommates, statistics show that college students everywhere are using their bathrooms to Skype their parents, study for exams, and even catch up on their favorite TV series while pretending to poop.

“Oh yeah, nobody here uses the bathroom to actually use the bathroom here,” said Vanessa Route, a student at NYU. “It’s sort of an elephant in the room, the bathroom that is,” she continued as she chuckled at her own joke.

At press time, Travis’ roommates were banging on the door saying “pay attention to me pay attention to me pay attention to me”

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