WARREN – This weekend, BU Dining Services pulled out all of the stops, providing unparalleled service, as they always do, for the benefits of the students and absolutely no one else.

“I’ve never even heard of this stuff, much less seen it at the dining hall,” said Alex Carter (CAS ’17), sitting with plates full of wonton burritos, roasted porchetta, birds eye chili shrimp, and Banana Boat ice cream sundaes. “What’s the special occasion?”

For those in the administration, the great service this weekend was just more of the same. “We always want the best for our students,” said Dean Battaglino as he served pizza to every person who entered the dining hall on Friday, as he does every Friday.

The university confirmed that the generous banquet had absolutely nothing to do with Parents Weekend, which just happened to fall on this weekend. “Oh, was that THIS weekend?” Said Dean Elmore before chewing up some food and regurgitating it into the mouth of a parent visiting from the west coast.

In fact, parents were specifically encouraged by a welcoming Dean Weldon to not enter the dining hall. “Don’t even bother! You don’t want to see this boring old place, the students come here every day and it’s exactly like this!” He said, while polishing the doorframe of the entrance to 100 Bay State Road. “I love seeing the faces of our students as they pass me during my daily dining hall beautification ritual!”

“Who is that guy?” asked Lana Terrence (SED ’15), who had never seen Weldon before.

“Should parents slip into the dining hall, sure we’ll give them a taste of the common dining experience, but our job has always been about the students,“ said Battaglino, as his eyes grew heavy with lust while staring at a parent’s checkbook.

At press time, the Deans were eating caramelized bacon with wide grins on their faces while listening to a nearby family talk about sending their other children to BU.

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