COLLEGE OF COMMUNICATION—Insisting that their new “Bring Your Own Laptop” policy was insufficient by itself, the College of Communication’s Office of Undergraduate Affairs has now announced a new “Bring Your Own Professor” policy for the Spring 2019 semester. The policy, which Undergraduate Affairs calls “innovative” and “student-centered,” will lay off all faculty and instead require that students purchase their own professors to bring to class each day.

In an email to the COM student body, academic advisor Bud Jitkutz further explained, “the decision to embrace this form of teaching was made by COM’s Dean and the Academic departments last March. This is partly why COM & BU have started providing Rate My Professor, semester evaluations, GPS trackers, and cloning services to students without cost.”

“Don’t have a professor? Don’t panic!” the email continued. “While a vast majority of students already have suitable professors, we have provisions for students who would prefer to use a COM professor and/or lack a suitable professor. COM will have a fleet of graduate assistants in the first year of their Master’s programs which can be checked out for the duration of class. We’re also keeping nearly 40 adjunct professors locked in a storage closet, who will be available for student use.”

In an interview with The Bunion, Jitkutz clarified that the policy was meant to serve students, and was not a thinly veiled attempt to sell off their professors and make a few extra bucks. “Look, it’s the 21st century. Pretty much everyone already owns a professor. And yeah, maybe their professors aren’t as high-quality as the ones we have, but that’s why our office is helping people fix their professors or giving discounts on new professors so everyone can have a good one. It’s absurd  that people expect university handouts at the cost of the tuition-payer,” explained Jitkutz before looking at his phone and exclaiming that he just made $15,000 on eBay in the last hour.

At press time, the COM faculty began discussing a new “Bring Your Own Math Skills” policy, though most felt such a move would be too controversial.

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