STUDENT HEALTH SERVICES—A major flu epidemic has hit the Boston area, and students, faculty, and staff are advised to ACHOO! Excuse me. Students, faculty, and staff are advised to take all precautions to ensure that they stay healthy and avoid the ACHOO! ACHOO! Ugh, excuse me again.

Students returning from winter recess are entering a city ACHOO! A city ACHOO! A city AAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAHHH—good, hold it in this time – ACHOO! Ugh. Hold on, I need to take some Dramamine.

Students returning from winter recess are entering a city in the middle of an epidemic that has taken the lives of 18 Massachusetts residents. Mayor Thomas Menino has declared a public health emergency for the city.

These alerts ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOOOOO!!!!!! Owww. Ugh, what was I talking about? I don’t know. Give me more of that Dramamine.

But how can students ACHOO! How can students ACHOO! stuAAHH… How can students protect themselves from the flu?

“It is really important to wash your hands thoroughly and get a flu shot,” says Student Health Services nurse Catherine D’Alba.

“Drinking lots of fluids can also help maintain good health. Sir, do you need a tissue?”

D’Alba did not recommend drinking an excess of sweet, sweet Dramamine, although it has helped some reporters to successfully do their ACHOO! Goddammit!

“Of course, if you are sick, definitely stay inside and do not go to class. Also, sir, you should really put a coat on,” advised SHS head nurse Nancy Colletti, who does not understand that the playback from a reporter’s microphone becomes very muffled and hard to understand when you wear a coat during an interview.

Some residents who have not gotten a flu shot ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO! AHHHHHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

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