Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)

Clarissa is a junior majoring in journalism. She’s from Texas—but, don’t worry—she’s not a Republican.

1. Dominate class discussion.

Don’t let anyone get a word in. The professor wants to talk? Who cares! Go right ahead and teach the class yourself. Show them who the real alpha is. After you teach the class for a bit, feel free to start talking about your plans for the future. Once you start talking about your dream wedding and picking out baby names, Brad will definitely catch on.

2. Make sure he can hear your parents—who are on the brink of divorce—screaming in the background.

Chances are, Brad’s dad is already on his third marriage. You have to seem relatable somehow. Completely break down whenever the professor asks you a question. Brad will not be able to resist you with all that baggage. Just wait for that private Zoom message from Brad asking all about your emotional trauma.

3. Bring in the soup. Slurp it loudly.

Guys love a girl who can eat. The messier, the better. Noodles, corn on the cob, ribs, sloppy joes, you name it! Make sure to use your clothes as a napkin. Nothing is more attractive than someone who cares about the environment. Bonus points if you do the Rhett’s challenge.

4. Wear a wedding dress.

He doesn’t know what he wants, so it’s up to you to show him. Put on your mom’s wedding dress; he won’t know what hit him. Proceed with caution: Brad will definitely pop the question by the end of class. Make sure to get your nails done for the engagement announcement.

5. Have a baby in the frame at all times.

Every male in college wants to start a family. Being at home is the perfect time to show off your maternal skills. Grab the nearest baby and just cradle it. Brad will be over the moon imagining you, him, and little Timmy walking down Comm. Ave. Plan B? I don’t know her!

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