F*ck It Won’t Cut It, BU’s COVID safety awareness campaign, has come under fire due to an investigation into the handling of f*nds, or something like that. In the meantime and totally unrelated, FIWCI is in the stages of opening a legit and authentic Italian restaurant on Commonwealth Ave. 

F*ttuccine Will Cut It is strictly take-out only for COVID reasons, and not because the dining room is full of cardboard cutouts of furniture. It is also fitted with a laundromat in the back, but that is just a coincidence according to management. 

The menu boasts a variety of options to choose from, like the Don’t Go Viral Veal or Patient Connect Chicken Parmesan! Students can order delivery using the GrubHub app and an intern from F*ttuccine Will Cut It bikes to your exact location, courtesy of Bluebikes of Boston. 

F*ttuccine Will Cut It can be found in the ruins of the abandoned healthy vegan place right next to Warren Towers. When you pick up your food, they will do a customary temperature check just to make sure. In the case that you are dangerously close to a fever, they throw you into a van straight to Hojo. 

The money raised from this venture will pay for an exclusive Zoom with Guy F*eri where he will teach BU students how to make their very own focaccia bread in a microwave. 

One exhausted student said, “I have never seen Ozark so I don’t know the ethics of this situation, but I’ll eat anything that’s not Warren Dining at this point.”

Some critics have asked FIWCI leaderships where the f*nds are coming from and where they are going? But, the only question they should be asking is if they can get another basket of garlic bread! 

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