Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21).
Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)

Maddy Schmidt is a senior from New Jersey studying Film & TV. She is a Wii bowling prodigy and is blocked on twitter by Drake Bell (Campana).

You may be familiar with “F*ck It Won’t Cut It,” the coronavirus safety campaign taking BU’s campus by storm. But what if I told you that although f*ck it won’t cut it, these Cutco knives will?

FIWCI isn’t the only brand ambassador on campus running an important campaign! At Cutco, we want to protect you from coronavirus, but we also want you to have the smoothest, finely sliced meats for your socially distanced charcuterie board party. These are the real priorities.

These knives can cut through anything. Steak, metal, glass. And I desperately need to sell some because I bought $500 worth.

F*ck It Won’t Cut it made headlines for using risque language in order to get college kids to pay attention to their campaign. Would it make you pay attention to my knives if I did the same thing? C*ntCo Knives? No, definitely not that. ButtCo Knives? Cut Hoe Knives? F*ck It Won’t Knives?

Or if none of those work, maybe a risque slogan? Just spitballing here, but maybe something like Cutco Knives: Show Us Your Meat. Yeah?

Speaking of COVID, recent studies conducted by CutCo labs have concluded that CutCo knives actually neutralize coronavirus in foods. Don’t believe me? Okay fine, I had to try it. If I don’t sell all these knives, they’re having me drawn and quartered. Yes, with Cutco knives. They can cut through human flesh!

Okay sorry, I don’t mean to guilt trip you. Honestly, I steaked my life on these knives. Did you like that pun? Please buy my f*cking knives.

I’ll do whatever it takes. Want me to spray paint the rock? I can spray paint the rock! I can cut right through the rock! 

In conclusion, maybe now wasn’t the time to join a multilevel marketing scheme, albeit a very cool and masculine one. 

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