Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21).
Daniel Kool

Daniel Kool is a Freshman from Minnesota studying Journalism. He plays the banjo but hopes you won’t judge him for it.

F*ck It Won’t Cut It, Boston University’s edgy but down-to-earth COVID awareness campaign, is continuing to push the envelope – recently announcing that it would start handing out free cigarettes after the State extended vaccine eligibility to smokers before teachers and frontline workers.

“After a year of lockdown, people are stressed,” said Susan Cameron, head of marketing. “Wellness days can only go so far. We’re thrilled to offer a new and exciting way to take the edge off.”

She added that the new initiative is a “vital step” in keeping up with F*ck Its youthful audience.

“Swearing was a good start, but let’s face it: these kids are growing up,” Cameron said. “Bad words just don’t have the same ‘cool factor’ as playing hooky and chuffing darts behind the cafeteria these days.”

Keeping with more adult themes, a diverse team of scantily-clad student-workers – known officially as “Friends with (Insurance) Benefits,” or FWIBS – will work to hand out over 1,000 packs per day. Applicants were screened for salesmanship and overall ability to get into parties.

The initiative has been in the works for months, said Cameron. But dress-code requirements for FWIBs – which are “like your orientation leader’s BU swag all shrunk in the wash,” she said – limited the possibility of a winter launch.

But while most students are smart enough to recognize good news, some, like Jacob Newport (QST ’23), argue that the University shouldn’t be pushing a “potentially life-threatening” habit on its students, especially “vulnerable, naïve” underclassmen.

“Sure, cigarettes are cool and all, but these vaccines are barely out of development,” Newport said, sparking up a fresh menthol. “I for one am not going to risk putting that toxic shit into my system.”

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