BOSTON—Early this morning, during a raid of the office of Boston University President Robert Brown’s attorney, Doland T. Loyer, FBI agents found thousands of bananas, the same fruits which have been famously absent from BU’s dining halls for the past few months. The raid is part of several ongoing investigations of the President conducted by the FBI, CIA, and BUPD, who, according to one source, are “just happy to have something to do other than responding to fire alarms and transporting freshmen who thought jungle juice didn’t have any alcohol.”

Public outrage over the discovery has reached a fevered pitch, with BU student activists planning a March for Our Dines rally for tomorrow. “We can’t get complacent,” said organizer Brock O. Lee (SAR ’19). “If we let Brown get away with stealing our bananas, what will be next? No more omelettes? We cannot normalize this.”

Loyer claims that the bananas found in his office were from his own personal supply, and are in no way related to President Brown or BU’s banana shortage. President Brown has refused to address the banana crisis for months now, but when The Bunion asked him for comment on today’s developments, he released a statement saying “Crooked Boston College (by the way, not in Boston or a college, let me tell you) says we have no bananas…..,FAKE NEWS! There is absolutely NO COLLUSION with Chiquita!”

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