By Sophia Stio (COM ’22)
Oh, you have got to be joking right now! Are you serious? I am flabbergasted, truly. To think someone in the same exact outfit as me is trying to cut in line at my favorite fucking coffee shop. Better yet, the only indie coffee shop in the vicinity of this campus. Wow. And you think I’m going to stand for this? Not in those unisex trousers, big fella. Not in those unisex trousers that I am also wearing. As aforementioned, we are all dressed the same here at Pavement. Everyone has their headphones in, listening to the same Soccer Mommy song. We’re all a little pissed for no reason. None of us will be employed after college because we’re all either studying film or papyrus production. And we’re all tired, which is why we’re in line for coffee.
Or at least I thought we were all in line for coffee.
It’s now becoming clear to me that you cut me in line to get a damn scone. Why don’t you just eat a rock off the wall of the Stone Science Center, huh? God, I’m so unbelievably pissed. You make me sick.
I’ll tell you what! I thought I had this morning in the bag. I woke up (huge for me) and rolled out of bed (another milestone) just to start my day off with some coffee (important). I have been thinking about this plan for a week now. And then YOU happened. YOU with your fucking Carhartt beanie and Lucas Hedges-ass face (I’m so sorry for bringing you into this, Lucas). I will never be able to recover from this.
Oh, you’re getting a phone call. You’re stepping out of line? Your cousin is stuck in a well? You’re letting me go ahead of you? Are you sure? Would the scone alleviate the stress you’re feeling about your cousin’s whole ordeal? Oh, she fell into a well because she was distracted by a scone she was eating. So following through with your purchase would be traumatic? Why is there an ambulance pulling up to the door? Should we thank our first responders? I should just shut up and cut you in line? Alright, gotcha. Well, I’m so sorry to hear about your cousin and I hope she gets out of there soon.