Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell just won another term! With over thirty-five years as a senator, our boy Mitch holds the record for longest Republican Party leadership in the US Senate.
How does he do it at almost eighty? An inside source confirmed that McConnell split his soul into five parts in the year 2008 so that he could “torment Barack Obama forever” and “see if climate change is real.” Bold move! Here are the locations of this dark lord’s five horcruxes.
1. Donald Trump’s Tax Returns
Democrats think that Trump is being shady for not releasing his full tax returns. Actually, he is trying to help out his buddy Mitch. It’s the only explanation for why the president of the United States has not released his full tax returns. Friendship <3
2. Kentucky, USA
Yes, the entire state of Kentucky is the location of Mitch McConnell’s second horcrux. There’s about 0.02 of soul per square mile spread across the state. It’s usually harmless and safe to eat. Kentucky residents barely notice the taste anymore!
3. The Hype House
This is to throw off McConnell’s enemies. No real reason behind this choice.
4. Cracker Barrel Headquarters
Senator McConnell loves Cracker Barrel. After undergoing a triple bypass surgery in 2003, Mitch had to switch to a healthier diet. He stopped eating KFC and now consumes The Cracker Barrel’s Country Boy Breakfast® every morning for breakfast!
5. Benny, a Galapagos tortoise at the San Diego Zoo
Galapagos tortoises live up to 170 years, so this species was an obvious choice for Senator McConnell’s fifth horcrux. Benny, this particular tortoise, bears a striking resemblance to McConnell, and some suggest Benny is his illegitimate son, a love-child born from Mitch’s rumored affair with former San Diego Zoo catalog model, Jasmine the Galapagos Tortoise.