“Did you finish yet?” The dreaded question that should never really need to be asked in the first place. Did. You. Finish. Yet. You can’t believe you removed your diva cup for this. 

He seemed so nice on Tinder. You swiped right for his music taste and love of “late night drives”, expecting a quaint and wholesome first date. Perhaps the first red flag should’ve been the fact that his favorite animal is a Koala, a species known for laziness and chlamydia . Perhaps you should’ve taken pause when he told you about his fascination with bitcoin.

But you told him you weren’t just looking for a hookup, and he said he felt the same. But once you arrived at his apartment, it became clear that his plans to “watch a movie” wouldn’t be fulfilled that night. 

At first you were uncertain and tried to focus on keeping a conversation going…You don’t even know his Zodiac sign yet. But you can only listen to a man talk about the nuances of David Fincher, and how you just don’t get Tenet for so long. Afterall, you’re already here, and it’s been so long since you’ve felt the touch of a man. The only thing stopping you is your period, but… What’s that? He doesn’t mind! Perhaps this man will be your Prince Charming afterall!

So, so naive, you realize in his restroom as you rinse your Diva Cup and reconsider every choice you’ve made in life leading to this point. 

But oh… Those little holes along the rim are so hard to clean by hand. So many hard to reach divots… If only there was some useful scrubbing implement with tiny little bristles within reach…

Oh, but there is, you realize. But you can’t. Or maybe you should? It wouldn’t be that big of a crime, afterall, he already put his mouth… down there, even if it was for a brief 23 seconds before the inevitable “My jaw is getting tired” complaint. 

Did you fucking finish yet,  absolutely ridiculous. 

Judging by the 3 in 1 shampoo in the shower, it’s a fair assumption that no woman has ever had an orgasm under this roof. Really, you’d probably be avenging a lot of women through your actions. You’d rinse it afterwards, of course, you’re not a monster. What are you supposed to do, put in a dirty Diva Cup and give yourself some sort of infection worse than the UTI you’re going to get from his unmanicured nails? At this point it’s out of concern for your own health! 

It would be such a simple thing to do… and it’s unlikely he’d ever find out. But maybe you want him to know. He deserves to know. Are you a sadist? You’re absolutely a masochist for subjecting yourself to sex with a guy in a business frat. Maybe you need to do some introspection. Maybe you should just talk it out with your therapist and take the high road. Yeah. That seems like the best idea here, rather than entering territory that you can’t come back from. You position yourself to put the Diva Cup back in. 

Then, a knock on the bathroom door. 

“Hey, you’ve been in there a long time. Are you finished yet?” 

Are. You. Finished. Yet. 

Actually, you have one more thing you need to do. 

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