COMMONWEALTH AVE—Even in light of yesterday’s campus-wide celebration of Earth Day, Beatrice McDaniels (SHA ‘16), a member of sustainability@BU, has been expelled from the group and must serve her punishment by intentionally littering on the BU Beach.
“Please god, somebody kill me,” McDaniels sobbed as she tossed a Three Musketeers wrapper on the beautifully manicured grassy lawn. “This is torture.”
Reports indicate that McDaniels was kicked out of the group because she had accidentally deposited some leftover beer cans from Marathon Monday in the regular trash bin. Her sustainability@BU lawyers managed to acquit her on charges of willfull domestic terrorism, but were unable to convince the jury that she did not deserve “the ultimate punishment.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” she continued, forbidden to help a seagull that had landed and immediately stuck its head inside a plastic soda pack ring in front of her.
“The name ‘Beatrice McDaniels’ must never again be uttered in our halls of soil,” sustainability@BU director Dennis Carlberg said, clad in a robe woven entirely out of discarded banana peels from the West Campus dining hall. “She is also to be stricken from our walnut paper scrolls, and her belongings to be carefully composted.”
“May Earth Day 2016 be a less tragic event than this,” Carlberg said, gazing out onto Commonwealth Avenue from his ‘secret’ rooftop garden atop Stuvi2.
At press time, a shower was still running at full blast somewhere in Warren Towers, and hippies across campus were feeling a disturbance in the force.