Photoshopped by Shannon Damiano (COM '22)
Lauren Kelmar (COM '21)

Lauren is a junior from Palo Alto, CA studying Film and Television. She thinks flaming hot cheetos and Nutella go well together.

CAS – Alfred Welch (Evergreen ‘28) is currently enrolled in “United States: The 60s” because he was in his 20s and doesn’t remember a single thing.

“I used to be too afraid to admit that I don’t remember anything from the 60s,” Welch said. “But, now I’m learning a lot.”

Welch’s reason for taking the class was revealed when a fellow students, Brandon Moreno (CAS ‘22), tried to cheat off of him for the midterm.

“The dude lived through this era! I thought he would remember something about it,” Moreno said. “I didn’t get anything right!”

Welch reportedly fell over crying when he found out that JFK was shot. His professor ended up canceling the class to console him.

“Look, I’m sorry I was actually cool in college and just sniffed glue and didn’t pay attention to the news,” Welch said. “I’m trying really hard to better myself as I come to the end of my life.”

Although Welch himself has reformed, he has been encouraging the students in his class to get drunk, smoke more weed, and try LSD instead of reading the news, because they can just make up everything they missed when they’re old.

“That’s what the Evergreen program is for,” Welch said.

At press time, The Bunion discovered that Welch has registered for a class on the dangerous effects of hard drugs on the human body.

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