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BOSTON—Talk about a win win! This group of environmental studies students has just set the world record for most condoms salvaged from the Charles River.

Condom dumping was incredibly popular in the 1920s, when the toxicity of the Charles River was so powerful that it would dissolve everything, including pig intestine condoms, making it the ideal dumping spot for hot and heavy couples not wanting the curse of children. But with the advent of durable latex, more and more condoms accumulated in the river, causing major pollution and creating a layer of sheen caused by the condoms’ lubrication.

Since then, the Guiness Book of World Records has formally recognized “Salvaging condoms from the Charles River” as an official record, both to benefit the environment and to identify the most demented, fucked-up Bostonians. As the head of the record organization puts it, “anyone who salvages used condoms from a filthy river is either the greatest environmentalist on the planet or needs to be placed in solitary confinement, dressed in a straight jacket, and only be allowed to eat saltine crackers.”

With the students’ efforts, they retrieved over five thousand condoms from the Charles, beating the previous record of 4984 set in the year 1996.

Group leader Leighton Jordan (CAS ‘19) is especially proud of this achievement. “I’m especially proud of this achievement,” he said, totally unprompted. “By doing this, we will have saved at least 640 thousand trees from imminent extinction caused by blood-sucking local government.”

His group of divers, which he calls the “Charles Riveters,” began diving for condoms in early 2016, following the presidential election.

“For some reason, people were fucking like rabbits on November 9, and in a way, it makes sense,” said Leslie Jefferson (CAS ‘19). “I mean, marijuana had just been legalized, and we all know high sex feels like finding your long-lost pet after years of separation.”

The Riveters continued diving for years afterwards despite staunch criticism and simultaneous praise from their peers.

“When I first heard about this, I nearly threw up in my lap,” said Quavious Smith (CAS ‘22). “But after a while, I realized that maybe these emotionally callous sociopaths are what this society needs. No one cares more about the environment than a group of students willing to salvage the remnants of a sad orgasm from Boston’s cesspool of feces and disease.”

After earning the world record, Riveters leader Jordan spoke of his inspiration.

“I think every condom tells a unique story,” he said. “Take this magnum condom for instance. If you look closely, you can see a slight tear at the tip. This person might be in for more than just another hookup.”

If you want to see the world record presentation, the ceremony will take place this friday, during which the Guiness Book commissioner will hand the award to the recipients while wearing a hazmat suit. Be sure to come see this historic moment in person!

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