TD GARDEN—In an unexpected turn of events, the Emerson College Lions have cashed in the Money In The Bank briefcase and are challenging Boston University to a winner-take-all steel cage match for the Beanpot title.
The challenge came immediately following BU’s overtime victory over the Northeastern Huskies last night. Following NCAA rules, the briefcase allows Emerson College, which reportedly won the briefcase in a June ladder match against the Mount Ida College Mustangs, the ability to challenge any opponent at any time for the Beanpot title.
“Boston University, the time has come for you to face a worthy opponent,” Emerson officials said as their entire Tremont Street campus blared the opening lyrics to Metallica’s “Enter Sandman.”
The Lions, who currently hold Division III status and share rink time with three local YMCA leagues, went on to call the Terriers “hacks” and “complete disgraces to humanity,” vowing to “vanquish the evil that is the Terrier completely from this Earth.”
“And you too can watch the Terriers’ UTTER destruction THIS SUNDAY NIGHT AT THE BOBBI BROWN AND STEVEN PLOFKER GYM ON PAY-PER-VIEW,” they continued.
Many of BU’s athletics department noted their confusion over certain terms used in Emerson’s initial email, including “People’s Elbow,” “suplex” and “Royal Rumble.”
“We have no idea what’s happening,” Terrier head coach David Quinn said as his team’s victory celebration was interrupted by fireworks and screeching tires. “We have NHL draft picks on our roster. I didn’t even know that Emerson had an athletics program at all.”
“But one thing’s for sure,” Quinn said as he ripped off his pants to reveal a scarlet and white singlet. “Nobody fucking talks to the champ like that. Nobody.”
At press time, bah gawd almighty, the Lions have smashed into the Spanish announcer’s table.