EAST CAMPUS—A dog has been following frequent Ugg-wearer Ashley Smith (CAS ‘17) across campus for the entire day, sources have confirmed.
“I have absolutely no idea why this dog is stalking me,” said Smith. “I would leave class and it would be right outside the door, rubbing its face on my shoes.”
“Do I smell like a dog?” She asked, after pausing for a moment to reflect.
“I just moved to the BU campus,” explained Moose the dog, whose breed and age are unknown. “It’s been real lonely. Do you know how hard it is to find bitches in a city?” After pausing to poop on the sidewalk, he continued, “When I saw those smoking hot Ugg girls with their nice, soft coats, I was instantly in love. I mean, come on, twins?”
In the past week, Student Health Services staff have mediated multiple conflicts between canines and their sheepskin objects of affection.
“Yes. There have recently been a lot of dogs dragging pairs of Uggs into our counseling center,“ said one counselor who must legally remain anonymous. “This kind of situation isn’t covered in the SHS protocol, so I just let the dogs bark at the shoes. As an extra precaution, any students who are sensitive to fur and currently receiving counseling can take advantage of complimentary allergy shots.”
Moose was shocked to learn that Ashley’s boots were, in fact, not “some sexy strays.”
At press time, BUPD officials have advised concerned female students to “wear some shoes other than goddamn Uggs for once.”