THE DINING HALLS – Last Thursday, the heads of Warren, West, and Bay State dining halls conducted an emergency meeting to brainstorm new creative names for the same dry piece of chicken breast they serve every other day. After already using up 47 different names including Southwestern Grilled Chicken, Peppered Chicken Breast, Teriyaki-Infused Chicken Breast, Asiago Chicken, Cajun-Spiced Chicken, Jamaican Jerk Chicken, Mediterranean-Inspired Chicken, Indian Masala-Flavored Chicken, and BBQ Glazed Chicken Breast this semester, all three dining halls found themselves at a loss for what to call the same exact piece of chicken next.

“We could call it Sargent’s Choice Chicken,” suggested head of Bay State Dining Hall Shikk N. Brestt. “I honestly don’t see any other alternatives, we’ve tapped into every region of every country in an attempt to differentiate our single grilled chicken recipe to our students. At least calling it Sargent’s Choice, they’ll feel healthy and superior.”

While the other two heads voted down Brestt’s proposal, they came forth with ideas of their own. Honey Maple Mayonnaise Chicken, Pepsi-Infused Bacon Shrimp Chicken, Cream-Coated Clam Chowdah Crusted Inspired Flavored Chicken, Rhett Canada Goose Fresh Food Company at Warren Towers Student Activities Office Howard Thurman Common Ground Chicken, Kilachand Chicken, Wheelock Chicken of Education and Chicken Development, and Yawkey Center for Chicken Services all received consideration. However, at a loss for ideas that sounded inspiring, the three heads begrudgingly voted to cycle through the old names once again.

At press-time, the dining hall heads decided to send their chickens to a Philosophical Ethics certificate program at Metropolitan College. Upon graduating the program and gaining an understanding of animal rights, the heads hoped to be able to confidently serve “Certified Humane Chickens.”

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