WARREN DINING—Sources report that last night, dining hall worker Cody Schenk (COM ’16) finished the final task of his shift by picking up each and every piece of dirty silverware and licking it until it appeared as though it had been cleaned by a dish washer.

“It’s not a big deal, just part of our free meal program here at the dining hall staff. If you work a shift, you get a free meal. But the catch is that you have to lick the entire meal off of the used silverware. It’s more filling than you’d think!” said Schenk.

The silverware in the dining hall, apparently clean, is given this effect by workers slobbering their tongues all over the fork or knife until it is completely spotless, and then blowing on it briefly to give it that warm dish washer feeling.

“Ever since our dish washer stopped working,” explained Warren Dining Manager Timothy McNall, “we’ve found it more effective to split the work between all our student employees.”

McNall later clarified that their previous dish washer was another student dedicated to licking all silverware, who recently fell mysteriously ill.

“Mashed potato days are good days,” said Schenk. “Really any days that aren’t what we call ‘big knife days’ are good days. I don’t think we can take another one of those.”

At press time, a freshman in the dining hall dropped his silverware on the ground when Schenk suggested he “should probably just throw that one out.”

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