COMM AVE—Sources report that SHS stands for Student Health Services, much to the surprise of anyone who has worked there or used their facility.

“For the past decade I always assumed SHS meant “Student Hang Spot,” and that’s why there were all these students hanging around here,” said Laura Knox, employee of SHS. “We are obviously not suited for helping with any medical issues.”

The confusion was revealed when a disgruntled patient of SHS pointed to the sign outside the building.

“I was so shocked to see that it said Student Health Services,” stated Knox. “I immediately told my fellow employees, and everyone was just as surprised as me!”

Students in the past have complained about the lack of attentive treatment at SHS, but now find the revelation that none of the staff knew they were supposed to provide medical assistance obvious.

“I once went in with a fever and saw six different people that all said they had no idea how to help me,” explained Jake Laird (CAS 18’). “But looking back it was clear that they didn’t realize they were supposed to make me feel better at all.”

Those who run SHS claim everyone should have known that their priority was not to help students feel better.

“I’ve been running this place like a common area where people can play with needles and try those cool blood pressure machines. I would never in my wildest dreams thought students were relying on our services to keep them healthy,”  said Harris Roberts, Director of Student Health Services. “Like seriously, if that’s what they expected, wouldn’t it seem like we were doing a pretty bad job?”

At press time over 700 students were still in the waiting room of SHS, hoping to get help from literally anyone.

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