By: Luciano Foranoce

BREAKING — Student Rory B. Enchford (Questrom ‘23) has reported a suspicious stray email from President Brown that has made its way into his inbox earlier this week. 

“I was looking to see if classes were canceled for a snow day,” Enchford stated, “I really didn’t want to walk all the way across the street from my Bay State dorm. I saw an email from the president and I was like ‘this must be it.’”

Upon reading the email with the subject line “Private Matter” Enchford immediately knew it might not be for him. We at the Bunion have received the email in question, and will include the transcription:

Dear Rhett,

It’s been a long road that you and I have faced together. In spite of our differences, we were able to unite to create something truly wonderful. We were once able to foster a sense of community, but in light of recent events, I understand you may not have quite warmed up to me.

I’ll get right to business. I would like to partake in a “sneaky link” with you once again, Rhett. I understand you may be sitting there, one arm out, confused about what this may entail. But I feel it is important to take advantage of our bond so that we can both have a relaxing and enjoyable time.

Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to “talk dirty” to you. I —

[OMITTED]

Anyway, if that didn’t put you in the mood, you must really be one stone-cold bitch. See you soon, Benchy.

Sincerely,

After many, many unfortunate readings of the above text, both The Bunion staff and Enchford have decided not to sit at the Rhett bench for a while, maybe ever.

In a closing statement, Enchford followed, “I didn’t really think my email being rbench@bu.edu would have any side effects, but this explains a lot now.”

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