CAS—In light of the new semester students have been settling into classes by ordering textbooks, attending their first lectures, and adjusting to their new schedules. Recent reports indicate that Benny Stark (CAS 19’), a student in Writing 150 this semester, is already fucking kissing his professors hoity toity ass. What a dick.

“He sat down in the front of the class and pulled out his new dumb moleskin notebook and started taking notes. He even brought both a pencil and a pen. Who does that? What a jerk wad.” said Stark’s classmate, Jenny Robinson (COM ’15).

At the end of class Benny approached the professor, Dr. Linglebach, introduced himself, and told him what a big fan he was of his work as a professor, citing Linglebach’s lectures and research.

Other classmates of Stark’s reported that he had already ordered all of the required textbooks for the class, steam pressed the professors laundry, and shoveled the snow in his driveway.

“Waltham was on my way to class! No Problem!” said Benny.

“Stark… Stark…let me think. Oh Jason?  He’s alright. Seems like a little bit of a butt munch if you ask me,” said Benny’s professor.

Before he left the classroom, Benny slipped a bouquet of flowers onto Linglebach’s desk with a note describing how much he loved the lecture today.

At press time, Dr. Linglebach was secretly changing his office hours to avoid Benny Stark.

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