Insomnia Cookies was created in 2003 when founder and revolutionary, Seth Berkowitz, had one genius idea. “I figure kids love two things,” states Berkowitz. “Cookies and mental disorders. I was quite frankly shocked that the two had never been combined before!” Not surprisingly, this winning combination has earned the UPenn alum and revolutionary piles and piles of cash. Teens cannot resist the shop’s treats, and love even more to be reminded of a disease that plagues 60,000,000 Americans every year.

It was once thought that Insomnia Cookies would forever have a stranglehold on what it coined as “diseased mind nibbles.” It was once thought that Berkowitz would die a rich man, surrounded by one hundred piles of gold and one thousand wives.

But we were all wrong.

Depression Cookies was founded by Harvard alum and revolutionary, Georgia Meep. “These days, insomnia puts me to sleep,” Meep quipped with the quick wit of a woman who has nothing to lose. “Maybe insomnia was hot in 2003, but these days, teens cannot get enough of depression!” Meep relays. “They are always chatting about it and even pay people to listen to them! I thought if I combined teens’ strange obsessions with some tasty treats, it would be a gold mine.” While Insomnia Cookies adopts the attributes of insomnia by staying open until 3AM, Depression Cookies takes on the symptoms of depression by being closed almost all the time. If there’s enough pressure, it will half heartedly open in attempt to please its loved ones. The business is a goldmine!

Meanwhile, Berkowitz has faced hard times, as Insomnia loses money fast. An anonymous friend of Berkowitz told The Bunion, “He’s been living solely off his cookies. He can’t afford anything else. But those cookies are running out, and he’s getting even skinnier!” Things do not look good.

The fall of a once proud man. The rise of a woman who rejects fear itself. A modern day epic unravels on our very campus. Who says the greatest stories of mankind have already been told, because they probably feel pretty stupid right now.

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