Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
Ethan Brown (COM/CAS '21)

Ethan is a junior from Bethel, CT studying Film & Television and Environmental Analysis & Policy.

RHETT BENCH—In a fierce display of strength and willpower, Brooklyn Nine-Nine and America’s Got Talent star Terry Crews punched his way through the bronze exterior of the Rhett bench statue and back into the world.

“Terry doesn’t like being trapped in Rhett benches,” Crews quipped as he slammed his fist into the rock hard interior of the muscular dog’s face which emitted a bellowing clang heard from as far away as Danielsen as the statue began to crack.

“Rhett benches are dumb,” the former NFL defensive end added, delivering a swift uppercut to the bottom of the canine’s cerebral cortex which chizzled a hole through the top of his head.

Crews squeezed his head through the hole at the top of the statue, and with one flex of his right pec, demolished the bronze effigy into tiny shreds. He then rose to his feet, spread his arms wide, ate a spoonful of lavender yogurt, and like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon, soared into the sky, letting out a deafening “Nine Nine!” as he vanished into the horizon.

At press time, a tour group of prospective students were seen ecstatically taking pictures with the shards of metal left behind on the Rhett-less bench.

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