Over Winter Break I went back to the barnyard. I had a great time seeing all my friends from high school and eating my favorite hometown hay. However, I had a run-in with my ex, Otis.
At first it was totally fine, but as we both drank more, roosters started to croak and the cats started to meow. Next thing I knew I was riding cowgirl in the middle of an open field. The open night sky would’ve been romantic if I hadn’t been fucking a cow…again!
In the morning, we got breakfast and talked things over. I told him I was in a faithful relationship with Henry, the Himbo Hamster (my neighbor back in Stuvi). We both agreed that it was best we never speak again.
I had entirely forgotten the night until I realized a couple of days ago that I had missed two periods. I started panicking and called my best friend, Father Michael at the local First Reformed Church. That guy has been with me through thick and thin; this was no exception. After he had poured anointing oil on his hand and palmed my six pack, a grave look washed over face. It was then that he told me I was pregnant
To think I was worried about an unwanted pregnancy my freshman year– I now have a much bigger fish to fry! Father Michael says that I’m carrying the antichrist.
Looking back, I should have been able to recognize the signs sooner. A week after we had sex, I was surrounded in a vortex of crows while walking in the park and just as I started to panic, they all died. When I looked in the mirror it was me looking back but with black eyes. I thought I was just hallucinating again. There was also the foul odor that the black ooze in the corners of my room started to emit… usually it didn’t smell that bad.
Then this past month has also been littered with signs: three claw marks on my stomach, strong cravings for raw veal, and the urge to burn down a church. When I told Otis that I was carrying his offspring all he said was “just let me know how much I’ll have to pay in child support”. Last time I saw him was at the local dairy queen where he was hitting on the cashier alongside his two best friends, Pig and Wild Mike.
Pinky, please help me- I’m carrying the antichrist! What should I do?