BOSTON—On Monday evening, after a night of hopping and jigging to the rhythms of the city, sources confirm that Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore spun out on his Vespa and subsequently suffered an injury causing the Dean to be stuck only speaking in the 1970s dialect of jive.
“He keeps talking about ‘grooves’ and being ‘hip to the grip’,” said DOS student-employee Chris Peterson (COM ‘15). “But, frankly, I’m worried about his behavior. He gets confrontational anytime we bring up going to the doctors. He claims we’re just trying to ‘butter’ his ‘idea pot’.”
Peterson further explained the Dean’s bizarre behavior of locking himself in his office for eight-hours a day, loudly playing free-form jazz and rarely taking the time to eat or attend meetings.
“I keep hearing him hysterically crying about “Mr. Mahogany”,” Peterson continued. “I think that’s the name of his scooter.”
Students on campus are also growing confused by the Dean’s behavior, with speeches and on-campus events becoming increasingly incomprehensible and overrun with references to Jazz legends Duke Ellington and Miles Davis.
“We just wanted him to speak about the importance of Japanese culture and diversity on Boston University’s campus,” said international student and Japanese Cultural Society president Hiroshi Sato (SMG ‘16). “Instead he talked about the time he went to a Harlem ‘clambake’ in 1974,” he added, shaking his head over the confusing speech. “I don’t even think he was speaking English.”
Anonymous sources report that University officials are also considering restricting the Dean’s access to his social media account due to his condition.
“Here’s two actual tweet he sent the other day: ‘Leveled at my student affairs folks – lead us in some hip talk?’, ‘Beauty o’ersnow’d and bareness every where.’ What do either of those even mean?” asked the anonymous University employee scrolling through numerous other examples of the Dean’s confusingly vintage linguistic conduct.
“We just hope it doesn’t continue. I can’t sit through another meeting about the differences of Jazz-rock and Jazz-funk.”
At press time, Dean Elmore was recommending some real legit Spotify tracks to groove and bounce around to on campus.