COPLEY—Hundreds of people flocked to the sight of the Boston Marathon bombings in Copley Square yesterday to witness the unveiling of BOSTRON, a 30-foot automaton designed and piloted by BU Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore.
“In light of this recent tragedy,” said Elmore, “and so many others we were unable to prevent, it is with solemn pride that I present to you the new guardian of Boston University.“ From atop the shoulders of the machine, Elmore explained that BOSTRON, which stands for Big Ostentatious Sentinel That’s Really Obviously Necessary, is equipped with state-of-the-art GPS navigation systems, dual diamond-studded buzz saws, Sirius XM Radio, and a plaque commemorating its numerous donors. “You didn’t think a new soccer field cost that much did you?” responded Elmore to a question regarding the recent tuition increase. “I told you that your money was in good hands – these hands just happen to be able to shoot heat-seeking missiles.” Later that evening, The Bunion briefly talked with the Dean as he prepared for BOSTRON’s first patrol.
“The safety of [our students], and of the city, is our top priority,” said the Dean, strapping into the cockpit of the terrifying metal behemoth. “It was clear that traditional methods of peacekeeping weren’t being effective, so we took the next logical step.”
The Dean isn’t alone in his efforts. Earlier this week, President Frederick M. Lawrence of Brandeis announced his plans to make a council of University-sponsored mechanoids – these robots would be designed to join together to form a much larger robot if the situation called for it. “We would be the torso,” said Lawrence, clasping his hands together in childlike glee, “and BU would be the blade arms. Harvard would be the head because, I mean, I think we all trust them. Oh and BC and Northeastern could be the legs, I guess.”
“We think this union of robo-enforcers will increase the feeling of security for college students throughout the city,” said Elmore, upon the arrival of an enormous, lizard-like creature. “Now, if you’ll excuse me.”
BOSTRON will begin initial security patrols during finals week and trial patrol periods will continue through the summer semesters as testing of its functionality continues.