Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
Daniel Kool

Daniel Kool is a Freshman from Minnesota studying Journalism. He plays the banjo but hopes you won’t judge him for it.

MARION COUNTY, IOWA – The Daily Free Press announced today that, effective immediately, it will begin providing readers with up-to-the-minute coverage of life in Pella, Iowa.

The announcement follows Boston University’s implementation of a mandatory study-abroad program for some 15,000 students in the wake of the COVID-19 global pandemic.

Officials from the Press were quick to assure The Bunion that the expansion in coverage had been planned for months, and was certainly not the result of an evicted workforce.

“The Boston Globe has national coverage, why can’t we?” scoffed one editor upon further questioning. He added that “Pella is only the beginning – just try and stop us!”

The small town was reportedly selected for its cultural relevance, national industry, and unique status as the single most thoroughly Dutch settlement left in the country.

“I’m just thrilled to see this finally coming together,” said Kailey Jansen (COM ’22), the Press’ newly appointed Pella Bureau Chief (PBC). “I’ve been pushing for a more global outlook since I first joined as a staff writer last January.”

“This satellite branch has been a long time coming,” Jansen continued, adding that the paper’s choice of her hometown for its new location was “just an incredibly lucky coincidence.”

Although the Press will not be increasing its staff, readers can expect no change in the quality of reporting (for better or worse), according to the publication’s official statement.

“The Daily Free Press is excited to introduce its urban audience to the splendor that is the American Midwest,” the release continued. “From community events at the old Vermeer Mill; to the production-status of Pella® brand windows and doors; to the whereabouts of Pella’s own 2006 National Rugby League MVP, Paul Emerick, there are simply no limits!”

At press time, the Press has still not confirmed whether its new section will be published in English or the region’s traditional Pella Dutch dialect of South Guelderish.

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