BOSTON — While the coronavirus has spread all over the world, prompting many countries to place their citizens under lockdown, another pandemic was lurking in the darkness: curtain bangs.
Scientists believe that the outbreak originated within the #QuarantineHair tag on TikTok in April. The tag holds many videos of people doing questionable things to their hair as all salons were shut down. Many young women became infected with Curtain Bang Virus, or as some call it, CURTAINBNG-20, in waves this past summer, and have brought the disease to their universities infecting others.
The virus is extremely infectious in insecure, bored young women who are desperate to receive finite amounts of serotonin. A BU student infected with the virus has agreed to talk with The Pinky Toe about the long-lasting effects. They have requested to remain anonymous.
“I saw it on TikTok. It looked cute and easy, and before I knew it, I was cutting the front pieces of my hair. I was shaking and feverish as I did it, but the symptoms went away shortly after,” the female student said. “I started to take some selfies because I felt hot and unique, but then the shaking and cold sweats returned. I couldn’t believe what I had done. Something had overtaken my body. I called my priest and he told me to go to the doctor immediately.”
Doctors are perplexed by the rapid spread of the virus. It infiltrates the rational part of the brain and increases mood swings. The Pinky Toe was able to get ahold of the only virologist left in the area that was willing to discuss Curtain Bangs Virus and not the Coronavirus.
“The bangs are subtle, you see. They are there, but they aren’t, like, hey there! They add spice, but not too much spice, not enough to send you to the bathroom all night,” said Dr. Raymond Fiore, a virologist.
As cases of CURTAINBNG-20 climb at Boston University and the administration has begun to consider taking action in order to protect their students’ health. They have started confiscating scissors and setting up a Scissors Snitch Hotline to report any students using scissors irresponsibly.
At press time, The Pinky Toe learned that this writer’s immunity has broken down and they have haphazardly given themselves curtain bangs in their mirror using safety scissors.