Priscilla Pak (ENG '24)

Priscilla Pak (ENG ‘24) likes to overburden herself for "funsies." Her dream career is writing Elon Musk's tweets. If you see her lurking around campus, help is available. Contact the hotline at 800-420-SEXY.

The Bunion’s cohort of researchers has discovered a new preventative measure against COVID-19: condom masks.

“I mean, it makes sense”, says Anthony Fauci, who is currently interning at The Bunion. “Condoms stop all that jizz, so why not some germs?” 

And he’s right. The latex used in condoms was tested extensively behind the dumpsters in Marciano. Much sproingier than FDA-cleared N95 respirators, the latex forces viral particles of COVID-19 to bounce right off, which gives them a 100% effectiveness rate. 

Another upside to the condom mask is its simple design. Rather than dealing with mask earloops, which are basic anyway, our researchers suggest to “wear the condom as a penis would.” In other words, to stretch the condom around your head. This airtight design prevents not only COVID-19 particles from entering your airways but also air. You might suffocate, but at least you’re not dying of coronavirus, right?

To satisfy popular demand, the researchers have created limited-edition condom masks in several BU- specific flavors: Rhett Bench, Half-Melted Starbucks Frappuccino in a CAS Classroom, That One Basement Bathroom in the Towers, and Strawberry. They will be sold exclusively at the West Campus City Co. Accepted forms of payment are USD, Euro, and Bitcoin.

Because of this invention’s widespread impact on the world, President Brown will award the researchers with one (1) free meal at a dining hall of their choosing. However, these vouchers must be redeemed by May 10th, 2021.

At press time, the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a notice regarding condom masks. Because of the limited availability of condoms (especially flavored condoms) for healthcare workers, the public is discouraged from buying condom masks. The use of condoms may be banned in the future if the pandemic worsens. 

So y’all better learn how to pull out! Get your BU-themed condom masks while you still can.

Leave a Reply