WARREN TOWERS—A Warren resident is still traumatized after catching a glimpse of the Condom Fairy late last night, sources report.
A visibly upset Vanessa Collins (SED ’17), under the impression that the Condom Fairy resembled a mystical, safe sex-promoting elf, described what she saw instead as “just some guy wearing a blue polo and khakis.”
“This is worse than the time I found out about Santa Claus,” admitted Collins through her heavy sobs, recalling the repressed memory which had defined her seventh grade school year. “So much worse.”
“He wasn’t even trying to play the part. He didn’t place the box down gently with care, or throw any touches of glitter in the air. None!” she squealed, pausing to blow her nose.
Roommate Maura Tierney (SMG ’17) confirmed that Collins still hasn’t stopped crying.
“It’s been horrible ever since she learned that the Condom Fairy wasn’t actually real,” complained Tierney. “At least now I know why she had all those Dragon Tales DVDs.”
Student Health Services employee and “Condom Fairy” Mark Saunders apologized for the confusion.
“I guess I just assumed that these college kids were old enough to know that fairies didn’t exist,” he said, popping open a bag of Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Combos. “But you know what they say about assuming!”
However, after talking with Collins, Saunders vowed to make an effort to act “more like a Condom Fairy should.”
“We could all stand to do a bit better at our jobs,“ he said. “If that means providing students with ‘real’ Condom Fairies then we’ll do what we can.”
At press time, Saunders was studying YouTube videos of Kirstie Alley and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s respective performances as the Tooth Fairy.