1 SILBER WAY—Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore announced that he will be hanging pictures of himself in a new initiative to inspire students in an exclusive one-on-one interview with Bunion reporters.
“To be honest, between all of the tweeting and winning I do, it’s hard to remember that I’m supposed to inspire these sad, sad cats,” Elmore said while admiring himself in a mirror. “I made this poster to remind myself that I’ve got a mind to share my mind, if you feel what I’m spreadin’ to ya.”
Some students were not taking the posters very well.
“Why are there Dean Elmore posters everywhere?” said Laura Brown (SED ’15) “Did he die or is he just hosting a really big bake sale?”
”The poster says B U, so I’m supposed to be myself, but he’s saying to be like him, but how am I supposed to be like him if I‘m trying to be myself?” said a visibly shaken Mike Evans (ENG ‘16).
Elmore went on to give an impromptu hour-long speech while standing on a table in the West Campus dining hall.
“Now, I dig Rhett as much as the next hombre, but everyone here knows who the real top dog on campus is. Woof woof!” Elmore said as he slapped a tray out of a bewildered freshman’s hands.
Elmore then reportedly proceeded to take the ice during a BU hockey practice.
“What, are you gonna to take the best player off the ice? I’m the best doggone American player there is!” he screamed as BUPD promptly escorted him off the ice.
After being released, Elmore was seen stopping by an introductory Biology class.
“Listen, evolution is a barrel of bullshit. Y’all cats know who created the universe? Me! It was all me! I am god!” screamed Elmore as BUPD officers tackled him a second time.
At press time Dean Elmore was using the money from the 3.7% tuition hike to build a statue to “inspire future generations as well.”