NEW ENGLAND—Citing a “bomb-ass coupla’ days in Smashed-Ville,” the yearly seasonal decrease in temperature of the Northeastern United States has confirmed that it has returned to Boston, and is issuing a public apology for “never getting that plastered before.“
“Man oh man, that was a doozy,” said the complex combination of weather patterns which manifests as a harsh drop in temperature throughout the region. “After the Sox won the whole damn enchilada, I just had to take a couple of days off to enjoy myself. I knew this weekend was gonna be one to remember.”
“Or, not remember,” continued the ancient, multifaceted set of climate conditions. “I really can’t recall all that much. Pass me that iced coffee, will ya? Old noggin still needs some liquid encouragement.”
During cold weather’s “absolutely fucking legendary” two days of drunken absence, Boston residents were able to enjoy an unseasonably sunny sky and mild air throughout the weekend.
“Honestly, I’m glad cold weather’s back and all, but maybe we should throw some parties down south more often,” said Chi Phi member Sam Bozoukov (CAS ’14). “Cold weather’s an expected part of living in New England, but I wouldn’t mind a few more days of sun.“
The meteorological phenomenon also stated its newfound goal of sobriety, referring to aftereffects from “chugging that bottle of Yay-gur [sic] too quickly,” and subsequently “snapchatting that hot chick from orientation.”
“Jesus Christ, you bet your ass I’m going dry for awhile. Gotta stick around for good this time, right? I’d like to see you do a beer-pong tournament after that many Fireballs and get up for your job the next day.”
“I just hope the guy up top doesn’t bust my ass for getting outta Dodge for a little while,” said the list of natural occurrences leading to a region-wide reduction of overall warmth. “Hope I can clock out a bit again in a couple of months if He doesn’t notice.”
“But damn, that was a killer weekend,” concluded cold temperature, after ingesting a glass of orange juice and grimacing. “But now I’ve gotta get back to the grind. December’s just around the corner.”
As of press time, Weather.com expects showers and high winds tomorrow morning.