Molly Ringwald, Sixteen Candles, great performance, blah, blah, blah. Enough. Sure, that movie is a classic, but it can be outdone. It’s pretty racist anyways! The only candles anyone should be talking about are the ones our dear Debby Ryan receives in the revolutionary 2010 film Sixteen Wishes. Debby took Sixteen Candles by the balls and said, “You know what? I’ll give you sixteen little wax sticks, a bright red convertible, a sassy walk even with high heels on, AND a tear-jerking performance.” This, is the reason any classic romantic comedy would be better off if Ms. Ryan- Queen of Hollywood Boulevard- starred in it.


It’s plausible that the ideas about to be shared will disgust every self-proclaimed “film critic” on the block. However, if the truth was not supposed to be shared- even with the most closed-minded of the population- then why does confrontation  feel like solid gold coursing through my veins? So, alas, this message must be shared.


Since one Molly Ringwald film has already been knocked in the back of the knees by Debby, why not hit one more: Debby Ryan, starring as Claire Standish in The Breakfast Club. Sorry, Ringwald:  it is not just that Ryan’s kick-ass bangs are more timeless than your It’s that she fits better in the  moody, dark-academia setting of the film’s high school library. Her roots are in the classroom after all–remember Suite Life on Deck?


Let’s cut poor Molly Ringwald a break, and hone in on a different starlet: Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30. Now, really, Garner’s performance in this film was spectacular. She was equally childlike and distinguished in her 30-year-old state. So, why would Ryan do it better? Honestly: budget reasons. Where it took two people to play both Jenna Rink at 13 and Jenna Rink at 30 in the 2004 masterpiece, Ryan could have done both. She has the wrinkle-less face of a minor, yet the prestigious temperament of a magazine editor! Movies are expensive; Ryan would put a little more dough into the producers’ pockets, while simultaneously killing the role of charming time traveler.


The last film that simply would have been more enticing to audiences with Debby Ryan is La La Land. This argument should be self-explanatory, but if it needs spelling out, here is some elementary transparency: the pure sexual tension between Ryan Gosling and Debby Ryan. Everyone sees it- this chemistry is the kind of romance that the hopeless roam the earth trying to find; the kind scholars philosophize over for decades. But have these two lovers ever been in a room together? No. Would the electric waves between them in the dazzling musical numbers of La La Land strike the crowd like lightning and shock them into oblivion? Yes. In reality, Debby Ryan and Ryan Gosling- the Ryan’s, if you will- would never sleep another cold, un-famous night in their lives if this casting call had been made. This missed opportunity must not go unnoticed.


To close this argumentative essay, it is vital to mention that the Debby Ryan being discussed is, indeed, the Debby Ryan of the 2010s. Today, she wears a powerful mullet and is married to Joshua Dun of Twenty-One Pilots. Perhaps, if she were to have rightfully starred in these motion pictures, she would not have gone and changed on us. Rookie. Mistake.


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