GEORGE SHERMAN UNION—Three hours into the first day of the 2014-2015 academic year, a majority of the freshman Class of 2018 are already planning out their gradual separation from current friends and artificial goodbyes in the days to come, sources report.
“Yeah, I know that Carol [Edens, COM ‘18] and I just did our FYSOP callsigns to each other and followed each other on Twitter, but I’m just treading water for a few weeks until I get some real friends,” said Alexis Howard (CAS ’18). “She’s just a holdover, honestly.”
“Oh, Alexis?” replied Edens. “Yeah, we’re going to a couple parties together, but only because neither of us knows anyone else yet, and we don’t want to risk appearing unsociable.”
Reports also indicate that the Class of 2018 already has their feigned sadness, hugs of completely fake love and support, and eye drop capsules “ready to go” for graduation ceremonies scheduled in May 2018.
“I mean, there’s a big chance that four years from now, I’m probably going to run into my neighbor from my first year in Sleeper, but am I really going to give a shit where he’s going in life?” said Dan McNamara (CAS ’18). “No, I’m not. But I don’t want to look like a dick, so I’ll say something like, ‘Maybe we’ll run into each other!’ or bust out an ‘I’ll miss you so much’ that I’ve been working on.”
“But yeah, I don’t care about basically 95 percent of these people,” McNamara continued. “Not even right now.”
At press time, McNamara was seen smiling and laughing with Samuel Fernandez (SMG ’18) at a party that neither one will bother to remember three months from now.