SLEEPER HALL — Today, during a floor meeting on the 6th floor of Sleeper, RA Caitlyn Houserman discovered a White Claw in the trash. Furious, she slammed the White Claw to the ground.
“Is this some sort of sick joke?” Houseman asked as she picked up the claw and screamed, “Can anyone tell me what the problem is?”
A freshman on her floor, Jeremy Patterson, (CAS ‘23) started to panic.
“Please don’t call BUPD. My dad’s a lawyer and you don’t want the smoke,” Patterson said as he kissed Houserman’s feet and begged for mercy.
In response, Houserman simply pulled up her shirt sleeve to reveal a “Ain’t No Laws When You’re Drinking Claws” tattoo. “The problem,” she said, “Is that this White Claw was put in the trash when it belongs in the recycling.”
This is not the first time Houserman has been outwardly passionate about environmental issues. She Juuls so as to not to litter cigarette butts. After finishing a six-pack, she cuts the plastic rings. She also owns a metal, reusable red solo cup.
Houserman proceeded to take her floor downstairs to personally show them where the recycling bins are located. As she tossed it in the blue bin, she looked at the label on the claw.
“Pure? That’s it: mandatory kegger in my room. Only because keggers are the easiest to reuse,” Houserman said.
Houserman used to be a part of Epsilon Eta, but was kicked out for not showering. Like never showering.
The Bunion interviewed her old roommate who commented, “Houserman was a good roommate until she tried tattoo the recycle symbol on my butt while I was passed out. Also, after I brought home McNuggets she tried to force me into a cage to show me how chickens are abused. I decided to rush Phi because I heard the hazing is less harsh.”