Photo by Frank Hernandez (COM '20)
Frank Hernandez (COM '20)

Frank is a junior from Puerto Rico studying journalism. His mom thinks he's pretty funny.

FENWAY PARK—Since time immemorial there has been nothing more noble than the sacred bond between a skater and ice. Admiring the beautiful connection shared between the cold and harsh ice and the stubborn, yet collected skater is the main reason why events like the Red Bull Crashed Ice are held. However, there are those that are willing to cast aside this consecrated synergy between man and element for the sake of trite worldly pleasures like fame and glory.

Suspicions of performance-enhancing drugs being used by Crashed Ice competitors rose when a messenger dove made entirely of pristine and translucent ice landed on the goal line with a note. The note, written in Old Norse by the deities of Jotunheim themselves, stated as follows:

Pitiful mortals of blood and skin,
Thrym, King of Frost Giants, has seen the unseen
One of your challengers is nothing but a fraud.

Us, dwellers of Utgard, do not take these transgressions lightly
Capture, brand this man, and bar him from our game courtly
Heed our words sons of Askr and daughters of Embla.

The dove then exploded in a blast of icy frost that enveloped all of Fenway Park.

Shocked and baffled that a competitor would break their holy pledge to the sport of ice skating, Mimir, wise man and councilor to the gods, conducted drug tests on the competitors. The results were disappointing.

“Competitor Asger McGorwick from the realm of Midgard has played us,” declared Mimir, The Rememberer. “This offender has disrupted the hallowed game of skating and he shall pay for his sins.”

An event sponsored by Red Bull destroyed by its own product. The irony was palpable.

McGorwick had forgotten his vow. Like Icarus before him, the man grew big wretched wings that gave him an unfair advantage on his former comrades. But just like Icarus before him, McGorwick also flew too close to the sun. Allured by the thought of world recognition, he drank from the forbidden elixir. Red Bull gave this man wings, but it cost him so much more.

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