Photoshopped by Lauren Kelmar (COM '21).
Thomas Silver

Tom is a freshman from the NYC area studying Linguistics in CAS. He likes maps.

DATA SCIENCES SAND CASTLE – In a message in a bottle to students early Thursday morning, President Brown unveiled surprising updated plans to transform the under-construction Data Sciences Center into a fun and unique giant sand castle.

“Growing up in Texas, I derived my entire sense of self-worth from whether my sand castle was bigger than the other kids’,” President Brown seems to have written on the barely legible soggy paper. “I was immensely proud of building the Strata Center when I was over at MIT. Until recently I realized it looks like a sand castle that’s been pummeled by one too many waves, pummeling my self-esteem. That’s when I decided to reimagine our Schmata, I mean, Data Center as a proper life-size sand castle instead of a boring Jenga tower. I’ll even put the Hatch Shell on top.”

Brown added that he had personally overseen the quick overnight construction of the castle’s moat, which stretches for blocks and is teeming with mutant rats with gills. “The moat can… defend against stuff,” Brown said. “Mostly I just like the splishy-splashy noises the rats make.”

When asked what, exactly, the moat would defend against, BU spokesperson Patrick Starmarket had this to say: “BU has always emphasized defense when planning its spaces, whether it’s protecting ourselves against terrifying MIT frat bros using fingerprint scanners in Marciano, or banishing positive emotions with the design of Warren Towers. While a crumbly sand castle may not be the best defense against rising sea levels, the moat will…” The rest of Starmarket’s comments were not audible due to the water level reaching his mouth and nose.

“Honestly? I kinda like it,” sang brownstone resident Ariel Murmade (CFA ‘24). “The COM lawn fountain is just depressing. This really reminds me of my home, Atlantis, I mean, Atlantic City.”

At press time, President Brown’s haunting voice rose out of the depths of what used to be East Campus. “I hope now you all shut up about the BU Beach not being a beach.”

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