WEST CAMPUS – Benjamin Juárez, dean of BU’s College of Fine Arts, announced that he will be marking his retirement from his position with one last performance: a seven-suite progressive rock opera similar to Rush’s 2112 and The Flaming Lips’ Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots – two of the dean’s favorite artists and pieces.
“Man, nothing gets me more pumped up than a Neil Peart drum solo,” said the former director of Mexico’s national arts center. “I always thought, what would be a better way to go out than in an absolute fucking blaze of mind-blowing space rock?”
“You’re gonna feel like you’re on another planet, baby,” Juárez continued, as he pulled out a double-necked guitar and played the first 22 minutes of his first interlude, “Xeblar Delta, The Planet Of Argon Waterfalls, Part XIII.”
CFA students are largely supportive of the planned performance, but some expressed mild confusion.
“I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know the dean of CFA was supposed to listen to so much Phish,” said Helen Xi (CFA ‘16). “Isn’t this a classical music program?”
Juárez is reportedly undeterred by the negative reviews from critics after a private viewing of the performance’s two-hour planned first movement on Nickerson Field.
“After ’The Awakening Of Egeperon’s Fourth Brain Capacitor,’ which I’m pretty sure was just fourteen violins playing ‘Smoke On The Water,’ the show gets even worse,” said Garry West of the Boston Globe. “You’ll want to kill yourself by the time Juarez sets fire to the six golden ‘Snake Statues Of Septillion Sabers’ with a synthesizer.”
The city’s fire department and BUPD officials are also reportedly concerned with the pyrotechnics involved in the performance.
“I’ve never heard of an arts program show with this many flamethrowers,” said Sgt. William McTavish. “We’re going to be extra careful around the sixth movement, when this guy’s supposed to reenact something called ‘The Nine-Day Siege Of Phoenix Gamma Borotron’ during a six-drummer drum solo.”
At press time, an emotional Juárez was sending Facebook invitations to every friend he has.